I actually shut down my laptop and went to bed but I couldn't sleep. I was going to leave this alone but I just can't. I need to get it all out because I just need to. Need not want.

I know to a whole lot of people I seem like a person who isn't deterred by anything, no comment or critsism or insult can tear me down. And for the most part I'd like to think I am. But I also know that despite the fact that I may not show it I can be a tad over sensitive.

I don't cry, I'm not a crier. I didn't cry when my best friend and I fought years ago, I didn't cry when I found out that my so called friends we back stabbing me and I didn't cry when someone close to me passed away. I'm not cold, I just control my emotions well.

But today, tonight, for the first time in god knows how many years I actually broke down. I am not trying to blame anyone or target anyone. I am sick of consoling people that my posts are not aimed at them. For once I just want to write what I feel when I feel without molly coddling anybody. So deal.

whocares and haha trashing me I can take, I know who one is and I have a good feeling as to who the other is. But having someone I don't even know call me an asshole, despite their good intentions, still hurts. Yes I know there were good intention behind it.

I wish there was just one person, ONE PERSON, who can tell when I am being serious and when I am joking. I get there's a fine line between sarcastic and hurtful and I tend to walk a tight rope on that line and I am not good at balancing.

In the last four months I have gotten into so many fights with so many different people. There have more fights in those 16 weeks than I've had over the last four years. And its with differnent people who not only don't know each other but basically don't have that much in common.

The only linking factor I can see is me.

And even though I have a passion for arguing for my stand and debating and what not, I am sick of it. I am sick of having a knife stuck in my gut over and over and over. So here's the solution. I'm just gonna shut the hell up. If I don't say anything there's nothing that's going be mis interpreted and no problems.

Do I seem upset, well I am. I'm probably going to look at this post tomorrow or in a few days and thinks "what was I thinking?!!" but not now. Now,all I wanna do is lash out. All my problems, issues whatever.

Sometimes I wish I never got into RP. I wish I had done better and saved more money. Then I'd be happy in Trinity in Australia. Studying what I want to study not what is best for me to study. Not having to meet the people who have hurt me the most and having high chances of running into them 5 days a week. Not having to make a really good friend who's knife can seem much sharper than I initially thought.

Sometimes I wish I didn't get too attached. Then things like this would be easier to deal with. That's my biggest problem. I get to attached to things/people and when it's time to let go or a they serve you a low blow it makes things even harder than they are.

Ugh, you know what. I just hate myself. I'm not being emo or whatnot. I just hate myself. Nothing I do seems to be worth anything. Or great. I thought I was good at writing, but then I saw someone who was way better and my work looked stupid next to his. Writing was the one thing I had going for me but now when I look at the bloody Word doc,all I can think is "why bother? No one's going to read it anyway."

Any family gathering it's always like this :
"Shamini wow, collage already."
"Arun, wow you're playing soccer?! With Arsnel soccer school? That is so good, what position do you play? Really? that's a tough position you must train so hard. And be so fit. And your grades? As and Bs. Wow you can play soccer AND have good grades."
"What's that,oh she writes for a school magazine? Interesting. Now Arun, what;s your fave team. blah blah blah."

Even in my own home I get over shadowed.

I love my brother I really do. But I believe the exact words from my parent's mouths were "We won't make the same mistakes we made with her on him."

OK, I have gone way off tangant here.

Look, if anyone wants me to delete this. Just tell me I will.I just needed to get it all out.

I can start the molly coddling now, this wasn't intended to hurt anyone or aimed at anyone. This was just about me and needing to get everything Iwas feeling out.

But I do want to poin out the main issue here, though there are several. I know sometimes I come off asharsh or even cruel and I know that many times no one can tell when I am being serious and when I am joking. Most of the time you think I am serious when I am joking and that leads to alot of problems that I really can't take anymore. So I'm gonna stick with normal sentences now. No more teasing or making fun or sarcasm because I'd rather not lose a friendship over some thing I might have said.